“If you grab some groceries at the store, I’ll make dinner.” That’s my voice, sounding super chirpy and grateful that I don’t have to make a list, figure out what ingredients I need for a particular recipe, and wander aisles to find them. You see, I believe I can make a meal out of just about anything. 

Charlie, my person, likes to challenge this. He comes home with a basket as follows: 

• 2 pounds of barbecue pulled pork 
• 2 pounds of ground beef 
• 3 beets 
• 1 bunch cilantro 

“Were you craving these things or did you see a recipe you wanted me to try?” I naively asked. Had he not brought me some chocolate, the discussion may have digressed from there.  

 I believe when Charlie is dealing (groceries), the objective of the game is to see how few ingredients I can use to make something edible. It is exactly the opposite if I ask him to make dinner. That conversation goes like this: 

“Hey honey, I have all the ingredients for dinner, but I’m super busy writing a story about that time you bought beets. Can you throw the meal together? It’s Chicken Jalfrezi on a bed of saffron rice with blanched almonds—only you’ll have to blanch them because they were out at the store.” 

“Who is Blanche?” 

“The almonds.” 

“I thought we were having chicken.” 

“And use the coriander seeds—the mortar and pestle are on the sill.”  

The objective here is that I expose my future husband to as many exotic herbs, spices, kitchen tools, methods, and flavor combinations as possible. Mostly because I think it’s super hot when I see him walk out of the pantry with a food processor in his arms.  

I believe he’s onto me though, because he’s started offering to shop and cook a meal. He has discovered the secret ingredient to making anything amazing: butter.  

Because he’s marrying a nutritionist, he knows there must be some sort of vegetable presented. I’ll hover around the kitchen or subtly pass through, as though I’m on some alternative errand, just to have a peek at what vegetable is being prepared. When I see a spread of asparagus on a sheet, my blood pressure drops about fifteen points. Apparently I have some foundational belief that if I skip vegetables in a single meal, I’m just a diabetic cardiac event waiting to happen.  

By the time the meal is served, it’s too late for me to ask if the tri-tip was roasted in butter and how many cubes went on top of the asparagus. Because butter is a lubricant and the food is sliding so smoothly, so deliciously, into my gullet, I don’t even want to stop eating long enough to talk about how many calories my vegetable side actually contains. Instead, I clean my plate and use my fork to pick up little pieces of butter-soaked garlic from the sheet.  

At this rate, he’s going to win every time.  

Ammi Midstokke is a nutritionist and author living in North Idaho, where her solar-powered, straw bale cabin keeps her log-peeling and wood-chopping skills honed. Last month she wrote about the black hole of her ceaseless appetite for mostly cookies and cake. 

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1. As a starting point, repeat Uncle Jerry’s idea back in succinct language. Get Uncle Jerry to form an actual premise that he believes, or you can’t ever argue against it. “So if I’m understanding you correctly, you read a meme on the internet that Jane Fonda is being paid by a secret ruling class of lizard overlords, so we can’t trust anything she says, ever. And because of that, she must be wrong about hot summers existing. Is that an accurate representation of what you’re saying?”

2. Use logic, or logos, the first in the Grecian rhetorical triad. Granted, few people use logic anymore, and even fewer use it accurately. Pro tip: If you really want to impress your uncle with your elitist, upstart ways, tell him he’s making logical fallacies. The ad hominem is a particularly easy one to spot. This means Uncle Jerry is saying unflattering things about Jane Fonda instead of actually addressing what Jane Fonda is saying. In this case, you can ask him: “So even if Jane is a sellout being paid by lizards, how does that make what she’s saying untrue?”

3. The second stop along our return to Grecian rhetoric is ethos. Ethos may involve using appropriate language and actually connecting with your audience to build credibility, rather than focusing on showing off your clearly superior intellect. However, you still need to convince Uncle Jerry that you’re qualified to discuss the topic. “Gosh dang it, Uncle Jerry. You know, I used to think exactly the same thing. But then I read through 437 field experiments done by nonpartisan peer-reviewed experts, and I made this handy chart for reference. See, it’s in red, white, and blue, for America.” 

4. Use pathos, or emotional appeal. We get the word “pathetic” from this, but pathos is not necessarily telling a pitiful sob story—it is connecting with human emotion of any kind. “Uncle Jerry, Jane Fonda is so old and frail. She has all kinds of health problems. I am not one to deny her the pleasure of revolt during her last days on earth.”

5. Put everything together and personalize it as much as possible. You may notice that politicians do this all the time. Of course, politicians may just skip logos and skate by on ethos and pathos—and not exactly in a good way. You, on the other hand, can use persuasive rhetorical tools more responsibly. “Consider this, Uncle Jerry. What if I were a lizard? Just because my skin color is different, and I was born on a different planet doesn’t mean I don’t deserve life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Right? My inherent rights are no different than yours, really. Plus, I’m a proven expert on the motivations of lizard aliens and Jane Fonda, and have suffered greatly due to societal ostracizing for my chosen profession.” 

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The proceeds from this event help to sustain our organization’s mission, train women to serve Spokane, and impact our community through our childhood literacy projects.

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Just like the regular Kidical Mass, a fun, safe bike ride especially for kids, but on this special day Spokane joins thousands of kids all over the planet for a worldwide “Kidical Mass” bike ride. This fun family friendly afternoon bike ride of about 3 miles heads out from Spark Central through Kendall Yards and back on the Centennial Trail. Meet at Spark Central in Kendall Yards. For more details visit: www.summerparkways.com  & www.facebook.com/summerparkways

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Thursday, June 20, 2019

Manito/Comstock neighborhoods, 6 p.m. – 9 p.m.

Summer Parkways is turning 10 this year! Join friends, family and neighbors for fitness and fun at this annual summer solstice community event, Spokane’s biggest block party, for this our 10th anniversary. Streets are closed to motorized vehicles and opened up to bikes, pedestrians, runners, skaters, and other human-powered recreation. Activities, Parkways Passport hunt plus booths in Manito and Comstock Parks and along the designated 4 mile car-free route through the picturesque tree-lined streets of Manito and Comstock neighborhoods. Join the fun on the longest day of the year! For more information visit: www.summerparkways.com & www.facebook.com/summerparkways

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Harvest Festival Open House

Saturday, October 27^th

10am – 3pm

Join us at the Outdoor Learning Center as we celebrate our second annual Harvest Festival! We will paint pumpkins (1 per family), play harvest themed games, and learn all about hawks and owls! Come join us in this fundraiser celebration and help us support the work of the West Valley Outdoor Learning Center!

$5 per person suggested donation

November Open House

Saturday, November 17^th

10am – 3pm

Get the family together and come see and learn about our collection of owls, hawks, turtles and snakes. We’ll make Thanksgiving crafts and play games. Bring the family out for a great time while supporting us at the West Valley Outdoor Learning Center!

$3 per person suggested donation

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