My latest tale is no different. I was at the EWU vs. Oregon football game in Eugene, Oregon, in fall 2022 and the Garth Brooks song “Friends in Low Places” was played at halftime. The entire crowd was singing along, which I thought was a little weird. (Ok, it was a lot weird, since it was, you know . . . Eugene.)

Rather than joining them, I came up with my own version, with a winter twist. 

**Feel free to sing along in a twangy country voice.**

Blame it all on my gang, I showed up in Lange’s
And ruined your epic pow day.
The last one to burn, the last one to turn
I was the last one on the mountain to stay.

And I saw a look of disgrace and shock on his face
When I poached his line in the trees.
And I smirked at you, said, “Honey, we may be through
But you’ll never get my skis.”

‘Cause I’ve got friends in snow places,
Where the powder’s deep and the sun chases my blues away.
And I’ll be OK.
Yeah, I don’t dig on slower paces,
Think I’ll rip on down to the GS races,
Oh, I’ve got friends in snow places.

Well, I guess I was right, that tree run was tight,
But then, I ain’t no rookie.
Point ‘em straight down the hill, and try to stay chill
With the help of a magic cookie.

Hey, I didn’t see that your new man can’t ski.
Think he should stick to groomed snow.
Dude, get outta the back seat and turn pies into fries,
Then you wouldn’t blow.

‘Cause I’ve got friends in snow places,
Where the powder’s deep and the sun chases my blues away.
And I’ll be OK.
Yeah, I don’t dig on slower paces,
Think I’ll rip on down to the GS races,
Oh, I’ve got friends in snow places …

Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski industry professional. We don’t expect him to be invited to the Country Music Awards anytime soon.

Originally published in November-December 2022 print issue.

Find more of Brad’s tales in the Ski Bum Advice column archives.

The post Ski Bum Advice: Friends in Snow Places appeared first on Out There Venture.

Anyway, as I stood there contemplating where to start, a raspy, obviously irritated voice called out to me from over where I store my and my better half’s quivers.

Powder Skis: “Hey, buttmunch, when the hell are you going to take me out?
Me (startled): “Who the !@#$ said that?”
Powder Skis: “Over here – just want to know when you are going to man up.”
Me: “Oh, right. Yeah, so listen. I know we all had higher expectations this year, but the snow gods are a little behind right now. So let’s just stay positive and pray for the usual late season storms.”
Powder Skis: “Stay positive? Seriously? There’s like a month left in the season and I’m still sitting here dressed in summer storage wax. WTF?”
Me: “I don’t know what to tell ya. La Niña goes that way sometimes. It doesn’t always mean an epic year . . .”
Powder Skis: “So now you’re going to throw around some fancy meteorological terms? Screw this, I’m moving in with my cousin in Salt Lake City. At least down in the Wasatch Range I know I will get some time on the hill.”
Me: “Let me help you pack. You do know that I found you on Ebay for like $150, right? I’m sure I can find another pair this off-season.”
Powder Skis: “That’s a low blow. Pound sand.”

Carving Skis: “Hey, can you guys keep it down?  I’ve been on the hill every weekend since December and need some quiet time.”
Me: “Sorry about that, but the powder skis started it.”
Powder Skis: “Whatever, dude.”
Carving Skis: “What part of quiet don’t you understand? Can’t you see my edges are dull, my bases are dry, and I’ve got rock shots all over? I’m exhausted.”
Me: “Well, at least you are getting used . . ..”
Carving Skis: “Yeah, more like used and abused. You could at least throw on some wax after we get home on weekends. But noooo, you just toss me in the corner and go plop your fat backside on the couch. No wonder my edges are rusted.”
Me: “Listen, I will get you into the shop this week for a full tune, including a stone grind. Will that make you happy?”
Carving Skis: “Promises, promises.”
Powder Skis: “You know what would make me happy? A crapload of snow.”
Carving Skis: “No one is talking to you.”
Powder Skis: “Shocker. No one has talked to me in two years.”
Carving Skis: “At least you have wax on you.”
Powder Skis: “Yeah, lot of good that is doing.”
Rock Skis: “You guys have no idea. Freaking entitled generation.”
Powder Skis: “Shut up, Grandpa. No one cares what an old, full-cambered ski thinks, anyway.”
Rock Skis: “Sonny, I was ripping turns when you were just the idea of some stoner ski designer. Tell me to shut up again and you’re going find out what real pain tastes like.”
Me: “I’m going to go get a beer.”

Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski industry professional.  We are pretty sure this conversation was not just in his head. Find more of his Ski Bum Advice articles and satire in the OTO archives.

Need help deciphering ski lingo? Read “How To Talk Like A Shredder.”

The post Ski bum Advice: If Skis Could Talk appeared first on Out There Venture.

The skiers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of deep pow-pow danced in their heads,
When up in the evergreens there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

A full moon lit up all the new fallen snow
Blinding me for a minute, hot damn what a glow!
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a beat up old Subaru, pulled by eight giant reindeer.

With a burly old driver, not some punk ass new-schooler,
I knew immediately this was the legend, the one known as Ullr.
More rapid than a high speed quad, his reindeer they came,
And he whistled, and bellowed, and called them by name.

“Now, Gaper! Now, Ripper! Now, Steezy and Skidder!
On, Park Rat! On, Snowplower! On, Shredder and Jibber!
Back by the hot tub! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As spindrift that before the leeward wind fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, float to the sky,
So back towards the driveway, the reindeer they flew,
With the Subaru full of tuning supplies, and the snow god Ullr too.

And then, in an instant, I heard by the garage,
The stomping and clamoring from this mythical entourage.
As I stumbled down the stairs to catch a glimpse more,
In strode Ullr through the exterior garage door.

He was dressed in Patagonia, both jacket and pants,
So expensive those clothes, they must have been financed.
A massive bundle of goods he had strapped to his back,
And he looked like a true alpinist as he unshouldered his pack.

The stem of a peace pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the pungent smoke encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a chiseled face, and abs like a wash board,
That rippled as he moved, like a true Norwegian lord.

He was a giant of a man, six foot four and full of muscle,
I nearly crapped when I our eyes locked, with him I would not tussle.
A smirk on his face, and a nod from his head,
Soon gave me the feeling I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, and went straight to his task,
Of waxing all the skis, occasionally taking a pull from his flask.
When finished, he smiled, and flashed me the peace sign;
I gave him a thumbs up, pretending I was fine.

He marched to his ride, giving his team their next order,
And away they all flew, north towards the Canadian border.
But I heard him exclaim, right as they were fleeing,
GET YOUR BUTTS OUT OF BED! IT’S TIME TO GO SKIING!

Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski industry professional. We seriously doubt this will get him nominated as an American Poet Laureate. He writes Ski Bum Advice for the Out There Snow special section.

Ullr: “A Norse god often associated with winter, skiing and snow sports. Many people refer to him as the God of snow or God of skiing, but according to the Prose Edda, a historical text used by scholars of Norse mythology, Ullr was never given a ‘God of’ title for anything. However, he is recognized for being a skilled skier and hunter, and he is often depicted on skis with his bow. It is even said that the aurora borealis, which dance across night skies in the Northern hemispheres, are the spray from his skis.” (Source: Whistler.com)

The post Ski Bum Advice ~ Poem: The Night Before Skiing appeared first on Out There Venture.

Après Ski Beverages

Nothing, and I mean nothing, completes a great day on snow like throwing back a few adult beverages with your crew in the bar, especially if they are buying. Mix in a little karaoke of Pearl Jam’s Even Flow, and you got yourself one hell of a day. This year, however, was different. The bars were closed, though you could still purchase liquid courage for consumption in controlled areas outside.

That said, I quickly discovered that the walk from the bar across a slick deck in ski boots can be challenging while carrying shots. This certainly had nothing to do with the fact that my balance ain’t what it used to be as I approach the big 50. As a side note, nothing really gets the smell of spilled Jagermeister out of your pants.

Lodge Table Combat

During a “normal” season, one of my favorite people-watching venues is the lodge at lunch time. Few places so poignantly depict the true horror of humanity like a steamy lodge packed with sweaty teenagers, crying kids, and semi-intoxicated middle-aged adults who still think they are in their twenties.

As bad as that may sound, I really missed seeing it. I missed watching little Billy chucking a full Cup-O-Noodles at his sister while mom just gazed longingly at the peaceful slopes just beyond her reach. I missed watching the game the table lurkers played, waiting in the periphery to pounce on an open table the second it became available.

And I really missed the poor dads who got stuck in the lodge babysitting on a powder day, greeting every grinning, snow-encrusted skier who entered with a 1,000 yard stare that seemingly looked right through their souls. I feel ya bro—I’ve been there.

Strangers on the Chair

I really didn’t think I would miss the idle chatter with strangers on the chairlift, but, and I hate to admit it, I did on those days this year when I ventured to the hill alone. I really missed being told how I should look into getting new skis cuz mine are “too skinny,” or being enlightened on the location of the best powder runs, even though I know the mountain like the back of my hand.

I missed the smell of my unknown chairlift partner’s cigarette smoke that always seemed to drift right into me no matter which way the wind was blowing. Though the stench of an unfiltered Marlboro does work wonderfully to cover up the sickly smell of Kentucky sour mash whiskey breath.

Yeah, I’m hoping we get back to normal next year.

Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski bum. The CDC has recommended that you should stay as far away from him as possible.

[Feature photo by Aaron Theisen.]

The post Ski Bum Advice: Stuff I Missed This Season appeared first on Out There Venture.

I know, I probably need a hobby to occupy myself in these weird times. One member of my household learned to play the piano (which sounds amazing), and a friend of mine makes hatchets (cool, but kinda creepy). Good for them, I say. I’m not crafty, nor do I have an ear for music, so creating something or learning to play an instrument are out.

Guess I’ll just wax skis and burn stuff. In any event, there sure looks to be a ski season, and I really don’t care what it looks like so long as there is snow on the ground and the chairs are spinning. Heck, I think there might even be some advantages to a socially-distanced ski season. 

First off, I’m sure we will be encouraged to ride the lift with whoever we rode up to the hill with, or wear a mask if pairing up with another single. This will force me to spend more quality time with my better half discussing the finer points of hardwood floors and other domestic treats, so everyone’s a winner. That, and I don’t like to wear a face covering when I ski, so methinks I will be riding single if skiing alone. Oh, and I detest idle chitchat with strangers, so again, everyone wins here.

Chances are good we will be required to wear a mask when entering the lodge to use the facilities or warm up, and I am totally down with that. As noted above, I don’t like to cover my face while skiing, and prefer to feel and smell the fresh mountain air. This usually results in massive icicles forming on my oft-hated mountain man facial hair, which then drip down my face the second I enter the lodge.

Now I can just hide the mess behind a mask and wring it out. It should also cover up my breath on those days when I forget to brush my teeth prior to heading to the mountain, which happens more often than you’d think.

If the mountain operators can keep folks spaced out in the lift line as well, man will I be happy as a pig in excrement. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like people. It’s that I don’t like people crowding me in line when I’m just trying to enjoy the day. I mean, come on bro, do you think trampling on my top sheets is really gonna get you to the summit faster? In case you’re wondering, the answer is no.

My favorite is hearing someone say, “Hurry up”, and then scoot themselves closer to my backside like that will somehow speed the chair up. They usually back off after catching a whiff of the biscuits and gravy I had for breakfast, if you know what I mean. Keeping everyone spaced out in the lift line will definitely help keep the peace this year. If it doesn’t, I guess I will have to double down on the biscuits and gravy.

Originally published as “The Upside of Socially-Distanced Skiing” in the On the Mountain section of the November-December 2020 issue.

Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski industry professional. We are all hoping we are distanced as far as possible from him this season.

The post Benefits of Socially-Distanced Skiing appeared first on Out There Venture.

Yep, Old Man Winter decided to give us a swift kick in the backside this fall and provided what is hopefully a sneak peek to the upcoming ski season in terms of weather. I pray to Ullr this is just the beginning. Here is what the weather gurus have to say about what we can expect this year.

NOAA

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s (NOAA) summary for winter says all we need to know: La Niña conditions are present. “With La Niña well established and expected to persist through the upcoming 2020 winter season, we anticipate the typical, cooler, wetter weather in the North,” said Mike Halpert, deputy director of NOAA’s Climate Prediction Center.

Forecast models for the months of December 2020 through February 2021 point to below average temperatures with above average precipitation here in the PNW. We all know what this means. And the good news continues for January through March 2021, with more of the same cold temps and heavy snowfall to close out the season. If you don’t own powder skis, methinks you should start looking for some.

Old Farmer’s Almanac

The Old Farmers’ Almanac spins a similar narrative for our area as well. Their forecast graphic for the PNW states “Snow pelting, then melting.” Not sure about the melting part, but snow pelting sure sounds like a good time to me.

Conversely, the Farmers’ Almanac’s prediction is less than ideal. “The Pacific Northwest could see some of the most pleasant weather of the winter in the US, with mild and dry conditions expected there.” Not sure what tea leaves these folks were looking at or smoking, but any discussion of winter weather should be void of the term “pleasant.” Just saying….

Originally published as “Powder Prognostications” in the November-December 2020 issue.

Brad Northrup spent over a decade as a ski industry professional. He has been a contributing writer for Out There Venture since 2011.

The post Powder Predictions This Winter appeared first on Out There Venture.

A great example would be the tradition of making that New Year’s resolution to get into shape starting Jan. 1. Not me. No, I set the date for Feb. 1, knowing full well there is no way I would start to address my woeful physical condition anywhere near the time when the holidays end and the NFL playoffs begin. Doing so would be an affront to the snack food and beer industries, and I just couldn’t have that on my conscience.  

Well, Feb. 1 came and went, while dust continued to collect on the weight bench and treadmill in our basement. Maybe next year. Or the year after that. You get my point. Anyway, here are some things I did not do this season, some of which I am glad I did not.  

Skipping Work to Go Skiing  

During the dark days of November, I told myself that this will be the season when I am going to call in sick and go powder skiing if it snows more than 6 inches in the mountains the night before any given work day. Who wouldn’t want to snag first tracks mid-week when the crowds are light? Me, evidently. Nope, rather than taking a “mental health” day this past January when the snow gods smiled upon us and gave the gift of bone-dry powder, I chose to remain in my corporate enclosure and get kicked repeatedly in the nuts. Stupid responsibilities.  

Lodge Bar Karaoke  

Some folks can hold a tune. I am not one of them, nor do I plan on being one of them. In fact, it would take a bottle of Pendleton to get me to even consider getting up in front of people and trying Karaoke, so no big loss there. However, I do take great pleasure in watching other people make complete fools of themselves. Nothing says après-ski party like some dude who just pounded down two pitchers of PBR and is trying to keep up with the lyrics while singing Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now.” Mad props for trying.  

Posting Stuff on Social Media  

I intended to take more pictures and shoot video this season for social media purposes but didn’t get much. And even if I did, I’m not sure how much I would post, mainly because there is so much good stuff already out there. The posting of epic powder video and flawless corduroy stills have become commonplace, making anything less seem unworthy. No thumbs up for me this year.  

But my favorite posts are the ones where people take pictures of their lunch and endlessly complain about how much it costs on the mountain, like it was an extortion racket run by the mob. I love these posts because of the snide comments they get: First world problem, bro. Yeah, who would have thought food would cost more in a resort setting? Dude, you’re wearing a $600 jacket. I think you can afford a $15 dollar burger. Oh, and please stop posting pictures of your lunch—no one cares.  
  
Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski bum. A GoFundMe page has been created to buy him a better attitude about social media (just kidding!).  

The post Ski Bum Advice: Things I Did Not Do This Season  appeared first on Out There Venture.

These numbers don’t appear to be accurate. Can you review and advise?

Anyone who works in the business world has likely heard this before as it applies to darn near everything. Sales, marketing, accounting, you name it.

Translated: The local snow report is claiming ten inches of new snow overnight. If you can make first chair, you will likely be able to drop in on the leeward side of the ridge and lay down at least five untracked runs before the hoards track it out.

Management needs this project expedited and completed before COB Friday.

The big cheeses always seem to need things done quickly, and it’s up to us minions to get it done.

Translated: Halfway through a 10-minute chairlift ride, you realize you made a grave tactical error this morning when you stopped for two sausage biscuits with gravy on the way to the hill. Once unloaded, you calculate it will take five minutes to get back down to the lodge. Due to the severity of the situation and some intestinal motivation, it only takes you two.

We will have some upper-echelon corporate visitors tomorrow, so dress appropriately.

Looking sharp for important people goes with the territory in the business world, though few people I know actually enjoy ironing. Unless its wax.

Translated: Saturday looks to be a bluebird day with temps in the teens and possibly a foot of new snow. It pays to pre-pack your ski bag and ensure you have an extra layer, extra gloves, and some darker goggles. Also, make sure the bota bag is full.

So we need you to come in early and stay late to ensure this task gets completed.

This is just how it goes in the real world. Sometimes you just have to put in a little extra time to get the job done right.

Translated: You better get your backside outta bed early on the weekend if you want to enjoy fresh tracks, or at least quality turns for that matter. And no, you can’t go home at 1 because your legs are tired. Suck it up and make a few more runs. //

Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski industry professional. How he makes it through the workweek is anyone’s guess.

The post Brad Northrup: Ski Bum Advice – The Mountain Translator appeared first on Out There Venture.

1) Yard Work. Like many folks, I take a certain amount of pride in making my lawn pop during the summer. Come late September, though, I have had about enough of mowing, trimming, edging, and fertilizing. Throw in the endless combat I take part in with piles of dog poop, sprinklers that won’t sprinkle, and a testy mower—it is of little wonder I beg for the snow gods to drop the hammer and end such foolishness. Once the thermometer drops, the lawn stops growing, the doggie land mines freeze solid, and the mower goes into hibernation, plotting its revenge for next spring.

2) Swamp Butt. Nothing makes me more ready for winter than sitting in my car on a hot July day and feeling a warm trickle of sweat running down the center of my ample backside. For far too many days this past summer, I was too afraid to stop at the store on my way home from work for cold adult beverages. I feared the laughter that was sure to come my way from the people behind me in the checkout line, snickering at the racing stripe down the back of my slacks.

3) Over-heating Car. I drive a twenty-year-old Subaru that burns oil, smokes, has over 275,000 miles, and tends to run a little hot once the temps go above 90. Can’t imagine why. When it does, I have no other choice than to turn the heat up high, rolls down the windows, and drive much faster than I should. Doing so increases my intake of engine and wildfire smoke, allows me to hear other drivers yelling about my funeral pyre of a vehicle, and exacerbates the already bad case of swamp butt noted above.

4) Constant Stream of Visitors. I am lucky enough to live on the water outside of town, and typically enjoy having friends and family out to visit—at least the ones that are invited. But after 10 weekends in a row of houseguests and drop-in visitors, I am ready for the roads to get a little nasty and give folks an excuse to not make the trek out to the sticks. Plus, I really don’t like to be mindful of my lack of personal hygiene on the weekends.
5) Pine Needles. I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time during the summer keeping our local “leaves” off of my deck, yard, driveway, and roof. I’ve tried leaf blowers, rakes, and even a consumer-grade flamethrower. Note to self: Wearing flip-flops while improperly using a flamethrower might dramatically reduce the amount of hair on one’s legs. Just saying. //

Brad Northrup is a former ski racer, coach, and ski bum. He is looking forward to winter and the hair on his legs growing back.

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